Have you entered the storehouses of the snow...Job 38:22

Wednesday, December 29, 2010


I’m in an odd mood today. I’m not sure it is a good mood or bad mood.  It is probably neither, it just is odd.  I had an odd dream about people I used to know in CT.  He was a leader at the Senior and Disabled Center in Newington and she was British.  She was the first one to suggest my youngest daughter’s name.  I knew the name, but she was the one who suggested it for the child I was carrying.  I could recall her name but couldn’t his.  Finally, it came.  However, their last name still escapes me.

It started me thinking about the past.  I am thinking about loss.  I was thinking about people I’ve known who still matter to me but who have gotten so busy that they’ve forgotten me.  It seems that the human plight is to forget.  We forget so quickly people who loved us, worked hard for us, cared for us and prayed for us.  People like a former pastor.  Or friend who I gave my heart and soul to that never bother to answer an email or keep in touch.  I guess that’s the way life is – people move on.  I told my grandson the other night that friends come and go and occasionally, if you are lucky, you’ll find a lifelong friend.  It is family that usually will be there for you.

However, that’s not completely true either.  I have two brothers.  When we had our last angry parting, one of the brothers said something like this: “I don’t think we want to be the type of people that down the road say I once had a sibling but I don’t know anything about them.”  I said I didn’t care.  I still don’t really care.  It’s just I am still hurt and angry about how they treated me.  I still want to scream at them.  This Christmas as money was so tight with food and presents scant I thought how the chain goes back to their greediness for money that didn’t belong to them.  I thought of the terrible things they did to my mother and to me. I thought of lying to my mother that they cared and their presence was there. But there is nothing I can do about it.

But we never were destined to be close.  I came when they were half grown.  They moved on in their lives and never had time for me.  It’s the same with some of my own children.  The eldest ones hardly know the younger ones.  I hope and pray that they do always remember that they are their siblings and treat them right though.

I guess I’m feeling sad about losses today.  There have been a lot of them.  My life has been turned upside down and rearranged so many times.  There have been too many moves and no opportunity to have roots.  There have been too many friends that I have loved that have forgotten me-too many family members who forget.  A career that fell on the rocks because of evil vindictive people and so many missed opportunities – they do take their toll.

Yet, I have hope for the future.  I’ve lost all hope at times.  I know the depths of despair and depression.  I know how it feels to be cast-off and abandoned.  But I’ve learned to stop.  To stop and reflect rather than react so you can choose.  I still need a lot of practice in stopping.  In my sadness today I am stopping and saying I can choose.  I am not powerless.  I can choose.  I can choose to believe the truth.  I can choose to have hope. 


  1. My dear friend
    I am SO glad that we have not lost each other.
    I guess it has taken effort on both our parts. I know that one of the things I will always treasure about you and our friendship is that you never gave up on me.
    I will not forget those very low times when you gave and I couldn't YET, you remained faithful. If that isn't a picture of Jesus I don't know what is!

  2. Choosing! Life is a choice and what we choose to think or how to act is in our control. You are so right!

  3. Well Anonymous you might have got a bit too far with that comment - I don't think you have a choice in how you think all the time. There are times when stress and circumstances have a hug impact. Sometimes influences impact your actions as well - you have some choice perhaps, but not to the level of human robotics. Emotions are powerful and should be understood... you might not disagree with me on these issues but just thought I'd share my feelings.

  4. Sometimes, as Christians, we may deny our darker feelings/thoughts because by doing so, we may believe we are lacking in faith. Thank you, Joyce, for giving ourselves (for lack of a better word) "permission" to be Christian, yet human.

  5. PS... I could not log in with my Google account when I added my comment above as "Anonymous" but I signed it with my name, Liz.

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